The Panda Jihad

     I know I'm not the only one that's been attacked by an animal before. I remember, as a child, being bitten on several non-consecutive occasions by the same black cat, being followed around an apartment complex by a gang of vicious swans with nothing to lose, and entering a cold war with a nest of yellow jackets that took up residence inside my bedroom without my knowledge or consent. Sure, in all these occasions I used my superior brain power to overtake them as easily as overtaking the elderly or a sickened hobo. But, I wonder, when is my brain power not going to be enough? When will the animals take to the streets and demand equality?

                                              "Where was our parade, man?"

     We've done it to ourselves really. With TV shows like When Animals Attack and movies like The Birds and Planet of the Apes, we're giving animals guide books on how to wreak havoc on human civilization, virtual Communist Manifestos for the feathered and furry.

     Well, I say this ends here. I'm not bowing down to a Lizard King. I’m not worshipping any kind of Christian allegory in the form of a Lion. And I'm certainly not waiting until I'm forced to damn everyone to hell at the foot of the Statue of Liberty. Even though Bob Barker isn't dead... yet... I say we create the Bob Barker Memorial Mandatory Spay and Neuter Law for all animals.

     

     That's right, all animals. Don’t think Pauly Panda and Murray Meerkat wouldn't neuter us if they could. They would if they could, and your balls would be hanging off the trailer hitch of their pick-up trucks.

     We’re living in the days when the concept of preemptive war is not only justified but encouraged for the sake of our nation at large. Why should the upcoming war with the animals be any different? We have to draw first blood and let our grandchildren worry about the consequences, because today Panda Bears are cute, lovable creatures hanging around jungles and zoos, but tomorrow they will be raping our women in alleyways, just for the hell of it.

"My body is ready."

     So, write your congressman, your senator, your president if you see fit. Tell them that this unspoken revolution of the animals on the horizon is coming up fast. Unless we want to be the ones slaughtered for our delicious meat, warm skin, and overpriced egg sacs, we need to make the first move and ensure our children have a 'panda-rape free' world to live in forever.

Hi Ho