I recently learned that Cap'n Crunch's full name is Horatio Magellan Crunch. As consumers, do we really need to know that? The cereal character of Cap'n Crunch is one of the few characters that I think has been way too developed. Over the years advertisers and writers have spent hours deciding how this and other characters hawking our products go about their fictional lives. How far off are we from sitting through Cap'n Crunch's colonoscopy?
You and the Cap'n can make it happen.
As with most things, I have certain problems with some of these mascots, and I intend to rant on about it.
First and foremost, what is the deal with Count Chocula? I mean, why are we selling cereal to kids with a mythical, Eastern European monster on the cover? When did it become okay to fly into people's bedrooms and suck their blood at night? Apparently, when general mills decided to commit copyright infringement on universal pictures and rip off Count Dracula. And for that matter, does Count Chocula actually suck blood? If we assume he actually is a vampire, we also have to assume that at some point in his day, (or should I say night?), he has to consume human blood to survive. Not the kind of fact you want to ponder over the breakfast table huh?
Secondly, I have a major beef with the Brawny Guy. In today's day and age, where a former Vice President can win an Oscar for a film about pollution, why in God's name is the Brawny company plastering the face of a Lumberjack on their products? Lumberjacks = deforestation. Deforestation = Bad. Trees = Good. Granted, I will give it to the company that they have tried to put a better face on their product, retiring the first brawny guy, ( who looked somewhere between a Nazi officer and a 1970's porn star), for a more American, warm hearted looking guy. Still though... Brawny, for shame...
As with most things, I have certain problems with some of these mascots, and I intend to rant on about it.
First and foremost, what is the deal with Count Chocula? I mean, why are we selling cereal to kids with a mythical, Eastern European monster on the cover? When did it become okay to fly into people's bedrooms and suck their blood at night? Apparently, when general mills decided to commit copyright infringement on universal pictures and rip off Count Dracula. And for that matter, does Count Chocula actually suck blood? If we assume he actually is a vampire, we also have to assume that at some point in his day, (or should I say night?), he has to consume human blood to survive. Not the kind of fact you want to ponder over the breakfast table huh?
Secondly, I have a major beef with the Brawny Guy. In today's day and age, where a former Vice President can win an Oscar for a film about pollution, why in God's name is the Brawny company plastering the face of a Lumberjack on their products? Lumberjacks = deforestation. Deforestation = Bad. Trees = Good. Granted, I will give it to the company that they have tried to put a better face on their product, retiring the first brawny guy, ( who looked somewhere between a Nazi officer and a 1970's porn star), for a more American, warm hearted looking guy. Still though... Brawny, for shame...
Secondly, I have a major beef with the Brawny Guy. In today's day and age, where a former Vice President can win an Oscar for a film about pollution, why in God's name is the Brawny company plastering the face of a Lumberjack on their products? Lumberjacks = deforestation. Deforestation = Bad. Trees = Good. Granted, I will give it to the company that they have tried to put a better face on their product, retiring the first brawny guy, ( who looked somewhere between a Nazi officer and a 1970's porn star), for a more American, warm hearted looking guy. Still though... Brawny, for shame...
Mr. Lumberjack says: It works wonders on blood and semen!
Thirdly, what is with the Trix Rabbit? Time and time again that poor rabbit has tried to have a simple bowl of cereal, and yet those selfish children never let him have some. Besides the point that the rabbit is probably severely malnourished, these commercials are telling our (your) children that sharing is bad. Perhaps the children and the rabbit should sit down for formal arbitration meetings and work out a deal where everyone could enjoy the delicious fruity taste of Trix cereal. Maybe the Teamsters should get involved.
Mother Fuckin' Silly Rabbit
I could go on and on until I'm blue in the face, complaining about advertisers, but it would be in vain.
All I have to say is: Death to Boo-Berry.
Hi Ho
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