Don't Write Checks the Universe Can't Cash

     I found it rather disheartening several days ago to read that a company can put "100% Natural" on their products and not have to back it up in any way whatsoever. This got me thinking about what else is plastered on these packages, enticing consumers to do what they do best- consume.

     One package in particular that piqued my interest, was Colgate Max Fresh Toothpaste.

"Now with less ham."

     The toothpaste itself is all right. It taste's great and my teeth haven't been cleaner, but what disturbed me was what written on the package. Across the side was written:

     "Experience a whole new dimension of freshness!"

     Okay, Mr. Colgate, just what dimension are you referring to? I have to assume that all previous toothpastes have worked within our common three dimensions: length, width, and depth. So, I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say that this toothpaste is working on another one. 

But, which dimension is Colgate referring to?

     How about the fourth dimension, time? If I use this toothpaste today, will my teeth become cleaner ten years from now? Has physics and oral hygiene advanced so far our cleaning agents can defy the space-time continuum? Not even Biff Tanner could scoff at such freshness. But, sadly, I have yet to see my teeth miraculously become clean by themselves. So the fourth dimension is out.

     Okay, let us move this up a notch. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. How about the Fifth Dimension? That's right, the 60s & 70s musical group famous for such hits as "Aquarius" and "Let the Sun Shine". Oh, that must be it! Perhaps Colgate is telling us that if we use their toothpaste we will be groovy and possibly black.

   

                                                                          

              Four out of five jive turkeys agree listening to this will not make you black.

  But back to the real world.

     What dimension are they talking about? I'm not a  physics whiz, so I can't even begin to imagine toothpaste that has implications relying on String Theory or M-Theory. Could it be that Colgate decided to use the term "dimension" figuratively? As far as I stand, if I want figures of speech I'll read James Joyce. When I pick up a tube of toothpaste I expect a no-nonsense, tough-as-nails approach to the product. All I want to know is what is does, how well it does it, and if it causes cancer in California. That's it. Let me decide on my own if it transcends this ethereal plane or not.

     So, my advice to Colgate: Don't make claims the natural laws of the universe can't back up.

Hi Ho