Don't Write Checks the Universe Can't Cash

     I found it rather disheartening several days ago to read that a company can put "100% Natural" on their products and not have to back it up in any way whatsoever. This got me thinking about what else is plastered on these packages, enticing consumers to do what they do best- consume.

     One package in particular that piqued my interest, was Colgate Max Fresh Toothpaste.

"Now with less ham."

     The toothpaste itself is all right. It taste's great and my teeth haven't been cleaner, but what disturbed me was what written on the package. Across the side was written:

     "Experience a whole new dimension of freshness!"

     Okay, Mr. Colgate, just what dimension are you referring to? I have to assume that all previous toothpastes have worked within our common three dimensions: length, width, and depth. So, I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say that this toothpaste is working on another one. 

But, which dimension is Colgate referring to?

     How about the fourth dimension, time? If I use this toothpaste today, will my teeth become cleaner ten years from now? Has physics and oral hygiene advanced so far our cleaning agents can defy the space-time continuum? Not even Biff Tanner could scoff at such freshness. But, sadly, I have yet to see my teeth miraculously become clean by themselves. So the fourth dimension is out.

     Okay, let us move this up a notch. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. How about the Fifth Dimension? That's right, the 60s & 70s musical group famous for such hits as "Aquarius" and "Let the Sun Shine". Oh, that must be it! Perhaps Colgate is telling us that if we use their toothpaste we will be groovy and possibly black.

   

                                                                          

              Four out of five jive turkeys agree listening to this will not make you black.

  But back to the real world.

     What dimension are they talking about? I'm not a  physics whiz, so I can't even begin to imagine toothpaste that has implications relying on String Theory or M-Theory. Could it be that Colgate decided to use the term "dimension" figuratively? As far as I stand, if I want figures of speech I'll read James Joyce. When I pick up a tube of toothpaste I expect a no-nonsense, tough-as-nails approach to the product. All I want to know is what is does, how well it does it, and if it causes cancer in California. That's it. Let me decide on my own if it transcends this ethereal plane or not.

     So, my advice to Colgate: Don't make claims the natural laws of the universe can't back up.

Hi Ho

Death to Boo-Berry

     I recently learned that Cap'n Crunch's full name is Horatio Magellan Crunch. As consumers, do we really need to know that? The cereal character of Cap'n Crunch is one of the few characters that I think has been way too developed. Over the years advertisers and writers have spent hours deciding how this and other characters hawking our products go about their fictional lives. How far off are we from sitting through Cap'n Crunch's colonoscopy? 

You and the Cap'n can make it happen.

                                              

     As with most things, I have certain problems with some of these mascots, and I intend to rant on about it.

     First and foremost, what is the deal with Count Chocula? I mean, why are we selling cereal to kids with a mythical, Eastern European monster on the cover? When did it become okay to fly into people's bedrooms and suck their blood at night? Apparently, when general mills decided to commit copyright infringement on universal pictures and rip off Count Dracula. And for that matter, does Count Chocula actually suck blood? If we assume he actually is a vampire, we also have to assume that at some point in his day, (or should I say night?), he has to consume human blood to survive. Not the kind of fact you want to ponder over the breakfast table huh?

     Secondly, I have a major beef with the Brawny Guy. In today's day and age, where a former Vice President can win an Oscar for a film about pollution, why in God's name is the Brawny company plastering the face of a Lumberjack on their products? Lumberjacks = deforestation. Deforestation = Bad. Trees = Good. Granted, I will give it to the company that they have tried to put a better face on their product, retiring the first brawny guy, ( who looked somewhere between a Nazi officer and a 1970's porn star), for a more American, warm hearted looking guy. Still though... Brawny, for shame...

                Mr. Lumberjack says: It works wonders on blood and semen!

     Thirdly, what is with the Trix Rabbit? Time and time again that poor rabbit has tried to have a simple bowl of cereal, and yet those selfish children never let him have some. Besides the point that the rabbit is probably severely malnourished, these commercials are telling our (your) children that sharing is bad. Perhaps the children and the rabbit should sit down for formal arbitration meetings and work out a deal where everyone could enjoy the delicious fruity taste of Trix cereal. Maybe the Teamsters should get involved.

                                     Mother Fuckin' Silly Rabbit

     I could go on and on until I'm blue in the face, complaining about advertisers, but it would be in vain.

     All I have to say is: Death to Boo-Berry.

Hi Ho

The Panda Jihad

     I know I'm not the only one that's been attacked by an animal before. I remember, as a child, being bitten on several non-consecutive occasions by the same black cat, being followed around an apartment complex by a gang of vicious swans with nothing to lose, and entering a cold war with a nest of yellow jackets that took up residence inside my bedroom without my knowledge or consent. Sure, in all these occasions I used my superior brain power to overtake them as easily as overtaking the elderly or a sickened hobo. But, I wonder, when is my brain power not going to be enough? When will the animals take to the streets and demand equality?

                                              "Where was our parade, man?"

     We've done it to ourselves really. With TV shows like When Animals Attack and movies like The Birds and Planet of the Apes, we're giving animals guide books on how to wreak havoc on human civilization, virtual Communist Manifestos for the feathered and furry.

     Well, I say this ends here. I'm not bowing down to a Lizard King. I’m not worshipping any kind of Christian allegory in the form of a Lion. And I'm certainly not waiting until I'm forced to damn everyone to hell at the foot of the Statue of Liberty. Even though Bob Barker isn't dead... yet... I say we create the Bob Barker Memorial Mandatory Spay and Neuter Law for all animals.

     

     That's right, all animals. Don’t think Pauly Panda and Murray Meerkat wouldn't neuter us if they could. They would if they could, and your balls would be hanging off the trailer hitch of their pick-up trucks.

     We’re living in the days when the concept of preemptive war is not only justified but encouraged for the sake of our nation at large. Why should the upcoming war with the animals be any different? We have to draw first blood and let our grandchildren worry about the consequences, because today Panda Bears are cute, lovable creatures hanging around jungles and zoos, but tomorrow they will be raping our women in alleyways, just for the hell of it.

"My body is ready."

     So, write your congressman, your senator, your president if you see fit. Tell them that this unspoken revolution of the animals on the horizon is coming up fast. Unless we want to be the ones slaughtered for our delicious meat, warm skin, and overpriced egg sacs, we need to make the first move and ensure our children have a 'panda-rape free' world to live in forever.

Hi Ho